Monster Trucks On The Road

Monster Truck Surfer

I know Monster Trucks are great for plenty of sports, but I did not think that they would ever be a surfer's vehicle of choice. Take a good look at that rear license plate. Those tires have unusual tread, maybe they are designed to drive on sand? I always thought most surfer's rides would be filled up with crazy bumper stickers, surf gear decals on the window, and maybe an imitation Rick Griffin artwork somewhere. This one is plain old, boring white with not a stitch of customization, except for the high suspension. I'm sure it's helpful for battling  those sand dunes at this dude's favorite beach.

This truck can store plenty of surf boards and equipment. I just wish it weren't so clean, it makes me suspicious. I hope this is not a "gremmie" that's not really a hardcore surfer. All the real surfers I know are rebellious individuals. Let's hope this rig gets some custom treatment pronto, otherwise it will be just another mom's utility car in the Tar Jay parking lot.

Redneck Guide To Females

Certain Females manage to get wall to wall media coverage, but I'm sure people want to know what the red blooded monster truck driving man thinks about them.

Paris Hilton: Too Skinny, too spoiled, too high maintenance. And from her video, not that much of a man pleaser. Only good for arm candy if you are going to a Hollywood Event, and not too many monster truckers can even find Hollywood on a map. Maybe this upcoming jail time will give her a little redneck cred?

Brittany Spears: Nothing wrong with a little psycho to keep the romance exciting, as long as she keeps the scissors to herself and doesn't go Lorena Bobbit on you. She will probably look like Liz Taylor by the time she's 30, though. Probably good redneck material as long as she doesn't get married again in the next few months.

Christina Aguilara: Muy caliente, but can she cook or shoot? You would need a separate trailer for all of her clothes since she seems to change images every 10 minutes.

Madonna: Wasn't that good looking when she was young, now she is ready to start playing Bette Davis roles in movies. Verrry scarry. She has a better wife beater mustache than most rednecks. Nick Nolte's arrest picture is more attractive.

Courtney Love: Just the right personality for a redneck romance. Just be sure to have 911 on speed dial. Don't let her drive your monster truck unless you have super high impact bumpers.

Anna Nicole Smith: Will probably go down in history as a  redneck goddess. The All American story, from Trailer to Turbojet to Trashbin, all while maintaining that trailer mentality. I can't wait for all the TV movie bios to start coming out. When her estate is settled, look for her name over all kinds of products at Wal Mart of K Mart.

Mud Caked Monster Truck

Here's a totally mud caked amateur Monster Truck I spied over the weekend. This does take the prize for the dirtiest truck I've seen. I wonder if the fellow will wash it when he gets home, or if he'll let the mud dry as a badge of honor? I am a little disappointed that he didn't drive it home, but those tires aren't made for the highway.

I'm sure some teenager would love to have this as his road car. Imagine pulling up to a stoplight in town with mud dripping from every spot in your truck,and coming so close to that BMW 3 series that some mud drops down on Skippy's precious metallic blue paint job. What would he do?  Toot his horn in protest? Call his lawyer? Text message his therapist?

It's hard to tell what color the body actually is underneath all that muck and gunk, but I think it's kind of a basic primer black. No redneck pimping for this truck.  Have you ever been to one of those "Sea World" shows where if you are sitting in the front rows of the show you are going to get drenched by Namu's splash? I wonder if the spectators at these little monster truck shows get the same thrill? Maybe that is one of the redneck woman's beauty secrets? It's a lot cheaper than paying some chi chi salon for a deluxe mud pack like our buddy Skippy with that dirty Beamer.

Smokestack Lightning Monster Truck

I don't think this guy is a friend of Al Gore's. No he is not barbecuing something in the back cab. Those are actually exhaust pipes coming out of the back. I guess this is the equivalent of those motorcycle riders that love loud exhausts that set off car alarms wherever they go.  I'm sure everyone around him will notice this smokestack, and be smelling  it for hours after they see it in action.

The truck is this dingy black color that makes it  hard to tell whether its just a cheap paint job or a lot of soot that has settled on the car. He's got a "No Fat Chicks" sticker on his back window. I think this truck would scare off any member of  the fair sex that isn't seeing double.  I think the only prize this guy would ever win would be at the 4H contest. 

You might notice that the tires don't look like they see a lot of off road use. What is the point of polluting the air around you if there's no one else to see it? With all the noise and smoke this thing generates, it might not make the best hunting truck, unless you are targeting species that are deaf, blind, and can't smell.

I sure hope this exhaust pipe trend doesn't catch on, other wise Florida is going to start to have the air quality of Mexico City. One of these guys is funny, a few would be like a martian invasion.

Florida Driving Adventures: The Love Bug

One exciting new experience that awaits a new driver in Florida is the emergence of the "Love Bug" in the spring and fall. I just had my first encounter with these guys this last weekend. No, the "love bug" is not something that Paris Hilton's cellmate will have to worry about.

Contrary to urban myth, the "love bug" was not an experiment gone haywire at the University Of Florida. I think their scientific research is confined to producing better football and basketball players.Who knows what mutant athletes they have roaming around their labs?

  The love bug actually came from South America to the Gulf States over 50 years ago. Every Spring and Fall, they emerge and mate. Those big splats you get on your car are actually a mating pair. They produce an amazing amount of liquid for their size.  Apparently they like the heat and exhaust fumes of the asphalt roads, so the congregate right in the way of your vehicle.At times they get so thick that you might have to pull over and wipe your windshield clean every 20 minutes just to see. Just be glad you are not a helmet less motorcycle rider with a few missing teeth!

Monster Whatsit Truck

First person to tell me exactly what this rig and what it's for gets a free shopping spree at Ralph's outdoor lawn ornament emporium. ( Actually if you show up after dark you can probably take whatever you want if you can find anything that's not cracked or rusted out)

This is a custom made "truck" that's a little hard to figure out. It's jacked up enough for any rough, muddy off road use. But that open mesh style body doesn't provide a lot of protection against mud, etc. And those sofa style seats look great, but they may not be too practical on any kind of bumpy terrain. In fact they look salvaged from an old van or truck.

This photo was taken on Mother's Day, maybe that sofa seat in the rear without seatbelts is for the Mother In Law?
Maybe this is an official's vehicle for some monster truck event?
Or just a spectator that really wants to see the aerial view of   the event?
Maybe this is some kind of amphibious vehicle for a day of "Cast and Blast"?
Come to think of if, I don't see hunting or fishing equipment  on this rig, just a lot  of empty  food wrappers.
Maybe this rig is for picking fruit? You could just pick the tops of the trees without leaving the comfort of your seat, and toss the fruit into the trailer behind you. What else would you hitch up behind this truck? And that "Shut The Gate" sign sounds like a cantankerous boss to me.

Whatever it is, this monster vehicle is not quite ready for every day life in the city. I'd hate to see someone parking this in the Winn Dixie parking lot. And I'd hate to be the bag boy that volunteers to help carry the groceries to the car!

Monster Rabbit For Sale!

If you have been looking for a cheap entry into the wild, wonderful world of monster trucks, this could be your dream come true. Here is a listing I found on Ebay.  Monster Truck Rabbit . It would be worth buying just to be able to tell people that you own a purple monster rabbit.  Where else can you find a self-assembled piece of art like this? What a great idea to "monsterize" a VW Rabbit!

Apparently the owner's better half vetoed this guys recent purchase of this fine, custom vehicle and he must let it go.( Is his gal crazy? )  Adding to this fellow's woes is that he thought he had it sold once only to have the buyer flake out. HELP the dude out! Even if you don't  live in the Midwest, for the cheap starting bid of $1500 you can afford to take a bus to pick up the truck. The Chamber of Commerce of your town will definitely want you to be in the 4th of July parade. Seriously, I've seen much worse looking creations at trendy galleries in Chealsea, NYC for 10 times this price. Even if gas prices get out of hand, this will make an awesome lawn ornament.

Just make sure the seller doesn't live up to his ebay ID when you go to pick up the truck!

Camouflage Truck

People are always asking me what makes a really great Monster Truck. I would say the number one requirement is a good old fashioned homemade redneck paint job. There are quite a few awesome paint jobs out there, but I will give you one strong piece of advice: In Redneck America, camouflage is the new Black. You just can't go wrong fashion wise when you are wearing or driving something with a good Camo paint job.

Take this truck. Now by itself it's rather ordinary, and it's not even got a lifted suspension. But that is a traffic stopping Do It Yur Self paint job. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be a basic "jungle" camouflage paint job or if it's supposed to look like a green giraffe. Those do look like animal stripes. We've seen plenty of Bull motifs on monster trucks, but why not pick a new animal and stand out from the crowd?
Ever seen a Swamp Thing?

Now this truck could be happy hunting gators out in the swamp,  taking Bily Joe and Jezebel to the Junior prom, or ruling the tailgate party  at a  local football game.  And if the authorities take exception to any of your hijinx while in town, you know you will be hard to find in the backwoods.

5 Reasons Living In Florida Rocks!

I like this  Top 5 list contest idea  so much I've decided to do another one. I just finished my first winter in Florida after braving 14 years in New York City. So I want to tell you 5 Reasons why living in Florida Rocks:

Constant Entertainment: Now I have lived in Berkeley, CA, San Francisco, CA, and New York City. I thought I had seen more fruits and nuts than existed in the rest of the world combined. But Florida's mix of Rednecks, Blue Haired drivers,Immigrants,  Snowbirds, and Wal Mart culture make for a volatile mix. Every day I see something that amazes me. The San Diego Zoo has nothing on this place.

Exotic Flora and Fauna. Being the only subtropical state, Florida is really a different world than the rest of the U.S. Physically as well as Culturally,  this is as close to traveling to Mars as most will ever get. Where else can you kayak with alligators watching you?

News Of the Weird: Florida seems to be the center source for weird and bizarre happenings. I think there is a subclass of stupid criminal here that is extinct in all other states. In addition to having many distinct plant and animal species there  are many  citizens  that  qualify for the "Darwin Awards"

Driving is an adventure: Nowhere else do you have to contend with:
Monster Truck Drivers blocking the sun
Elderly drivers that insist on going 20 mph under the speed limit
People with full sized flags on their cars that block their view of the road.
People from the Midwest that still can't figure out that it is legal to turn right on a red light
People that drive like NASCAR rejects on the straightaways, but are so timid about merging into oncoming traffic that they will stop on highway onramps.

Food: Cheap and Plentiful Seafood. People here eat grouper sandwiches like people in the Midwest east hotdogs.  Now of course their has been a scandal recently that some restaurants are substituting other fish for grouper in their sandwiches. I would still rather eat "mystery fish' than "mystery meat".

Monster Trucks In France?

Over the weekend the French voted against the Socialist candidate and elected the Right Wing candidate, Nicolas Sarkozy. Protesters responded by rioting in the streets at the prospect of a longer work week. Funny, in most parts of the world people protest when they can't find work. In France, they protest when they might have to work! Sarkozy himself is the son of Hungarian immigrants, although a large part of his platform seemed to be anti immigrant. He also stressed basic education and hard work as a solution to France's stagnant economy. He also partially blames the European Monetary union's tight money policy for creating high unemployment and slow growth in France.

  Sounds like a redneck platform to me! We have known all along that the French resent not being a world power anymore. They  want to be us, and now I think we have proof.  The French people have already voted down the proposed European constitution. Sounds like they are finally tired of being Germany's lap dog, and face an independent future.

All those farmers that like to block traffic when their subsidies are threatened should go home and start making moonshine. Then they wouldn't be so susceptible to foreign competition.

All the transportation workers that strike every 6 months should learn how to make monster trucks. It will keep them busy and off the roads. France needs a new sport to keep the masses happy. They don't seem to be able to succeed in soccer, grand prix, or wars.

All the students that don't want to work should be moved out to the country where they will have to produce their own food. They won't have time to hang around in cafes and smoke cigarettes and complain about capitalism.

I think Sarkozy will be the first Monster Truck driving president of France.